Love Without Memory
by The Apocryphal One
Summary: A collection of my submissions for Kamunami Week 2017!
1. Day 1: Flower Crown

A/N: Alrighty, here are my contributions for Kamunami Week (with some Hinanami)! Prompts are Flower Crown, Max Affection, Stargazing, Boats, Co-Op, Sacrifice/Death, Rebirth, Rain, and Hope. Since I was busy almost all of these are all drabbles, 500-1000-ish words each, but I couldn't let this week go by without contributing. Most of these will be fluffy, with the occasional angst.

* * *

 **Burial (Flower Crowns)**

His eyes are distant as he works, unfocused; he's trying so badly to reach for the memories that aren't there anymore. But it's as difficult as trying to hold air. Even he, with all his talent, can do no more than grasp fruitlessly, occasionally being rewarded with a sight or sound or smell for his efforts.

Like now— _sunlight on a garden—her giggle, light and bell-like—his heartbeat stumbling—her eyes sparkling as she fixes a crown of flowers on his head—_

Izuru grunts as pain knocks against the inside of his skull. The snatches of memory retreat back into the deep recesses of his mind. He reaches after them, but they're already gone; slowly, his mental hand retracts, empty.

It's illogical. He already knew it was impossible, yet he still tried. He supposes that's the "hope" she'd shown him; the will to attempt to overcome in the face of defeat.

 _"For you, anything is possible,"_ she'd gasped out, the words a bit gargled with blood.

She was wrong. And she was right. He can't remember, not really, but he can still _feel._ That alone is monumental. He can _feel_ again, and even this, this hollow gape in his chest, this unbearable feeling of _loss,_ is better than the nothingness before.

How strange, to miss something—some _one_ —so deeply and not even remember why.

His eyes drift down to the flowers in his hands, half-woven together into an incomplete circlet. He'd found the garden entirely by his luck and his deductions, letting instinct trace his footsteps back to where he _thought_ he'd been with her before. The flowers there had changed with the seasons, carnations and cosmos instead of hydrangea and lavender, but he'd plucked several nonetheless before leaving.

Izuru can't explain why he'd had that urge to go there, or why even now he's creating such a useless thing as a flower crown. He just _does_. It's an unexpected, unexplained occurrence, one of many that has happened to him lately. All irregular with only one common variable: her. A mystery he will never get the chance to solve.

Elegant fingers tie off the last knot, and he gives a light tug, ensuring the stems will neither break nor fall apart. It holds; good.

Then he turns to the open coffin next to him, where Nanami's body is laying inside. He's cleaned all the blood off her and dressed her in a white gown and carefully positioned her limbs so that she lays with her hands clasped on her chest, eyes shut. It's another thing he can't understand—she's not _alive_ anymore, and no one else is attending but him, what's the point in putting effort into making her look nice?—but leaving her like that, bloodied and broken, had made some part of him ache and weep in protest.

She deserved better.

Gently, tenderly, Izuru places the finished garlands atop her head. The effect is instantaneous; for a moment she almost looks as if she is merely sleeping.

* * *

A/N: First day of the week, with a prompt as cute as "flower crowns", and I go and turn it into morbid angst. I…I'm sorry.


	2. Day 2: Max Affection

A/N: Set in some happy, non-despair AU where Junko never existed and Izuru was actually allowed to socialize with the rest of Hope's Peak instead of being locked up.

* * *

 **How to Trip Your Love Interest's Flags (Max Affection)**

There was a poster in her classroom, white with "love is a battlefield" on it in stark black letters. Chiaki knew the poster was wrong; battlefields were easy to maneuver, a matter of pushing the right buttons at the right times. Dating sims were far more confusing. Especially when it came to a certain classmate of hers.

The gamer didn't know what she was doing wrong. She was certain she'd maxed out Kamukura-kun's affection meter—he'd definitely maxed out hers—yet their relationship wasn't progressing. She'd known his route would be the hardest one of all, but she'd thought she'd at least get on it before failing.

Her female friends had all offered their advice and sympathies (well, Saoinji-san had derided her taste in men, but in a tone that was more worried than biting) when she brought the problem to them. But there was no one quite like Kamukura-kun, and hints that might work on a normal guy would probably not work on him. Not to mention Chiaki wasn't confident enough for some of the move…overt suggestions (she was _not,_ in a million years, walking up to him and shouting "Do you need a Phoenix Down? Because you're drop dead gorgeous!" like Mioda-san had suggested).

It was Sonia-san who offered the very reasonable idea that perhaps, before engaging her enemy, she should do some scouting first. She didn't have a guide to help her or save files to reload from if she messed up, so she had to prepare herself as best she could. Find out what techniques were super effective on him. Find his _type._

"Dating sims?" Kamukura-kun asked, eyebrow raised, when he met her after class that day for their usual gaming session and saw the box she was holding.

"Mhmm!" she nodded, hoping her face wasn't blushing too badly. "I thought we could compete to see who gets the farthest, or else laugh at how much we screw up."

He still seemed skeptical, but accepted her choice of game nonetheless. Chiaki took her usual seat on the bench beside him, trying to ignore the way her heart was racing from the proximity. She instead focused on the screen before her, resisting to urge to steal glances at his screen to see who he was pursuing.

"Alright," she sighed sometime later, setting her console down in defeat. "That's that. Bad End unlocked. How are you doing, Kamukura-kun?"

She glanced over in time to see his character get slapped in the face and the girl storm off.

"You got a bad end too?!"

"Apparently," was all he said.

That was…surprising. "So there are things you can fail at…" The gamer's face lit up, her goal temporarily forgotten. "That's wonderful, Kamukura-kun! You finally have something you can enj—"

"No, I could deduce the correct choices to advance on her route," Kamukura-kun interrupted. "I just felt no particular desire to. She was boring, as were all the other girls."

"Oh." Chiaki tried not to be disheartened by that. There'd been a girl in that game with a similar personality to hers. But there'd been differences—that girl wasn't a gamer or class rep—so it wasn't like she was completely out of the running yet, right? "Well, maybe next time there will be ones you do like!"

* * *

And so the next day she brought a different dating sim, and he got a bad end there too. The same thing happened on the third day, and the fourth, fifth, sixth. She watched archetype after archetype—childhood friend, tsundere, athlete, nurse, student council president, same-sex option-be rejected by him for being "too boring".

As they got ready to head home on the seventh day, after watching him reduce the foreign exchange student to tears, she couldn't take the wondering anymore. Chiaki asked, as subtly as she could, "Maybe you should tell me your type? Then I could find a game with characters you actually like!"

His eyes narrowed, his stare becoming focused, and Chiaki realized she'd slipped up. "You have an unusual fixation on dating sims of late."

 _Quick Time Event coming up!_ She missed it and fumbled her words. "U-um, you think so? I just want you to have fun…"

"You have insisted on playing nothing but dating sims for the past seven days. Generally you rotate the genre. Ergo you likely have a goal of some sorts."

"U-um…"

"Additionally, your unsubtle question to find my 'type' hints at a personal investment." Then Kamukura-kun asked the question she was dreading. "Nanami, are you romantically interested in me?"

This was it. The Bad End was coming. She could feel it. Her face was burning too much for her to meet his gaze, so the Ultimate Gamer dropped her head. She tried to force the words out, but her throat had clogged; she just nodded, staring at the floor.

A hand took her chin and, with surprising gentleness, turned it up. Kamukura-kun's face was exactly as blank as ever, but there was a touch of warmth in his eyes.

"Nanami," he repeated, and oh, there was something so soft in the way he said her name. "Your feelings are not unrequited."

Oh.

She couldn't speak, just exhaled and felt all her tension go with it. With five simple words he'd sent her spinning from emotional whiplash, going from feeling her stomach drop into her feet to feeling as though she suddenly wasn't touching the ground. Her lips parted in surprise, and she didn't miss the way his eyes briefly dropped to them before back up.

"That surprises you?" he guessed.

Chiaki finally found her voice. "Well, yeah. Of course. You've never shown any sort of interest in…anyone. Not in the girls in those games, not in real people."

"They bore me. You do not." He still hadn't let go of her chin, she realized, and his thumb was tantalizingly close to her lower lip. She unconsciously leaned into it.

"Really?" she whispered, searching his eyes.

"I dislike repeating myself." He paused. "But really. You are…not just the first friend I made. You are truly an interesting and attractive individual, Nanami."

She stared at him. The tentative happiness was overflowing, bursting and completely enveloping her. Without even thinking about it her mouth pulled up into a broad smile. _I…I actually made the right choices. I actually triggered his flags._

It was bubbling, overflowing, she had to let it out. Chiaki leaped forward and wrapped her arms around Kamukura-kun, squeezing him in a tight hug. "You too," she laughed, smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. "I think you're interesting and attractive too."

"So I gathered." But there was the slightest bit of affection in his usual bland tone, and he pulled her closer into his body until her face was pressed comfortably against his chest. Humming in contentment, she nestled into the embrace.

And they remained there for quite some time.

* * *

A/N: Here, have my headcanon that Izuru could beat any dating sim he wanted…but won't because it's even more boring than usual.

Chiaki's imaginary pick-up line was a reference to an earlier idea, where I _did_ have her use that line to show she liked him before deciding that, while funny, it was too out of character.


	3. Day 3: Stargazing

A/N: AU where the Neo World Program couldn't dig up Hajime and dragged Izuru into the program instead.

* * *

 **On This Island (Stargazing)**

The island, Izuru had decided from the moment he blinked and found himself transported out of the classroom, was boring. The people were boring. The mystery of why he lacked any memories whatsoever was boring. Even the murders were boring; they entertained him for a short period as he pieced together evidence, but he would figure them out quickly and the value would be gone.

He never spoke up in the trials unless he had to, because while he _could_ present irrefutable facts and end everything right then and there, it was far more interesting to watch his 'classmates' argue and see if they could solve the murders. It was only if they seriously started considering the wrong party that he'd jump in, because if they got it wrong he'd get carted off to the chopping block with them. And as dull as life was, he still didn't want to die.

His habit of withholding knowledge had not endeared him to his classmates any.

"Kamukura-kun?" He turned his head slightly, spotting Nanami's form wandering about, obviously searching for him. Her pink eyes blinked slowly when they fell upon him, in plain sight. "Oh…here you are."

…Well, there was _one_ exception. He couldn't explain why Nanami was so intent on 'hanging out' with him, but it was not unwelcome. He'd always felt drawn to the Ultimate Gamer; her company stirred some strange emotion in him, for an illogical reason he couldn't figure out. Ergo she was interesting.

It helped that she had a rather amiable attitude and wasn't loud or annoying like _some_ classmates he could name.

"Nanami," he greeted. "What purpose did you have for coming to find me?"

Her head tilted to one side. "Purpose? No purpose…I think. I just wanted to see you." Her eyes took in the complete solitude, his blank mien, and she frowned. "…You aren't having fun with everyone else?"

"No." Mioda had had an idea to host an outdoor party at the beach tonight. Izuru disliked socializing, but it was more practical to attend than not, in case a murder happened and he needed an alibi. Still, he stayed as far on the edges as he could without actually leaving.

"Oh…I'm sorry to hear that." But instead of leaving, as he'd predicted she would, Nanami stepped closer. "Do you mind if I stay with you, then?"

Izuru shrugged, which she took as a yes. Smiling in that sleepy way of hers, she unrolled the blanket with her and set it beside his.

His eyes drifted back up to the sky. He supposed it could have been described as picturesque; clear and open, with a full moon and bright stars. Idleness caused him to pick them apart, find the patterns and constellations: Cassiopeia, Perseus, Taurus, Cetus, Eridanus.

How pointless, assigning names to collections of hydrogen and helium. How illogical to attach fake stories to these fake titles.

Izuru sighed.

 _How boring._

Suddenly, Nanami perked up, unusually awake. "Kamukura-kun, look!" She tugged on his sleeve, her free arm pointing up. His gaze travelled across its line to where her finger was extended, finding a blue-white shape streaking across the sky. "A shooting star!"

A second one followed the first. Izuru wasn't fazed. Shooting stars, four-leaf clovers, those sorts of things he encountered with a frequency on par with Komaeda. They'd lost all meaning to him.

Nanami's attitude could not have been more the opposite of his. She squealed when she saw the second shooting star. "Another one!" The sheer delight in her voice caused him to turn towards her, an inquiry on his lips— _how can she take such joy in something so ephemeral and meaningless?_ —which died when he saw her face. Her pink eyes were sparkling, white teeth exposed in a large smile, and with the moonlight on her hair and upturned face—

Izuru felt his lungs and heart briefly stop working, depriving him of oxygen. For a moment he could almost understand why people could be transfixed by the stars, if they saw them as he saw Nanami now. For the first time, he was grateful for his eidetic memory. He could pack this moment away and look at it whenever he pleased with clarity a camera, if he'd had one on hand, would have failed to capture.

He looked away before she could notice him staring at her. In the sky, another star was falling, and another, and— "A meteor shower," he sighed. His sharp hearing could catch the exclamations from the rest of their classmates.

"It's beautiful…I think," Nanami whispered, voice hushed and soft. Her eyes drooped and, with a yawn, her head dropped onto his shoulder. Izuru rationalized it away as her being tired from the late hour, nothing more. Still…it was…nice.

They remained there until the meteor shower had stopped, and it was only after that Izuru realized Nanami's breathing patterns had evened out; she'd fallen asleep on his shoulder.

"Troublesome…" he mumbled, weighing his options. The most prudent choice was to wake the gamer, yet he was oddly loathe to disturb her. But if she remained where she was, she would wake with a crick in her neck, not to mention the night air was chilly and unsuitable for sleeping in. He could carry her back to her room, but he knew Mioda would somehow find out and he did not want to deal with her ribbing him about it for days after.

After a few seconds deliberating, he picked her up, trying to disturb her as little as possible. Mioda would find an excuse to pester him anyway; he may as well at least ensure Nanami was comfortable and returned to her home safely.

 _It would be_ , he thought, recalling her face from earlier this evening, _such a shame to lose her to murder_.


	4. Day 4: Boats

**Making Memories (Boats)**

She rests her hands on the railing and inhales, feeling the sharp scent of the ocean waft through her nostrils. It's not quite a perfect day; while the sun is indeed bright and high in the sky, the wind is erratic and violent, tearing off hats and flipping up skirts. She's already changed into her swimsuit just because of that, tossing on a cover-up for modesty. But besides that, it's very lovely out here, with blue-green water stretching as far as her eye can see, shining in the sunlight.

Chiaki senses a presence behind her and automatically leans into it. His arms don't come up around her—he's not fond of public displays of affection—but the feel of his chest against her back is more than enough compensation.

"Izuru-kun," she greets without looking, a smile on her face. They've only been using given names for a short while, and his still tastes funny in her mouth; she can't quite bring herself to drop the honorific. He, of course, has never used honorifics, so when he answers it's with a plain "Chiaki," that makes her stomach flip.

"Are you enjoying the cruise so far?" she asks, tilting her head back so she can look into his handsome face, for once unobscured by his hair. Even he got tired of having the wind whip it into his eyes and mouth, and now his black locks are tied back into a high ponytail.

"It is acceptable." Which is high praise from him. Idly she wonders what he likes so much. The smell of the ocean? The view of the horizon? No, probably not. Izuru-kun isn't one to appreciate nature's beauty.

As she's pondering this the boat suddenly lurches. Chiaki is thrown backwards, and only Izuru-kun's arms grabbing her around her waist keep her from falling into him. And just like that she has her answer, a little lightbulb going off above her head like in _Animal Crossing._

 _Oh…he's probably enjoying the rocking._ Jolts like that are uncommon and sudden enough to startle everyone. An inconvenience for most people, but for him, who thrives on being surprised, it would be very favorable instead.

"It was a nice prize for that tournament," the gamer nods. Two tickets for a ride on a cruise ship around the coast of Japan; she honestly hadn't been thinking about the reward much when she'd signed herself and Izuru-kun up for the gaming tournament. She'd just wanted to spend some quality time with her new boyfriend. But it's a very nice reward, and it still lets her enjoy time with Izuru-kun, so hey, win-win.

They couldn't have graduated from the Academy fast enough, after its failure to protect them. She's just glad Yukizome-sensei was able to quickly uncover the Kamukura Project and bring evidence to the authorities; even a few years later the news is still abuzz about the Steering Committee's corruption. The scandal had forced the Academy to amp up its security and evaluate those who came in. More than one dangerous student (among them world-famous model Enoshima Junko) had been ejected from the school when it was learned they were allowed in and kept on the committee's say-so.

Despite all this, her teacher hadn't been quite fast enough to save Hinata-kun. The project had just finished lobotomizing him by the time she'd brought it to light. There isn't anything the Academy can do to bring him back, and that pains Chiaki. But she has Izuru-kun now. He's no replacement—he is _never_ a replacement, never ever—but precious to her in his own right, and his presence is a balm.

She had certainly been shocked when Yukizome-sensei quietly told her about him. Angry at first for the unfairness of it. Then determined to help the new person Hinata-kun had become. Three years of slowly trying to help Izuru-kun, of telling him about the importance of memories and bonds, of integrating him with her class and befriending him again, has led them here, to this moment.

Back in the present, Izuru-kun's only response is a slight noise of assent. His hands steady her and set her upright once the ship's motions have evened out, back to only slight bobs up and down.

Humming, Chiaki presses closer to him. "So Izuru-kun, have you made any memories on this trip you like yet?"

He goes unnaturally still, the way he always does when he's deep in thought, before saying, "Your reactions to the dolphin watching were particularly interesting."

Her face brightens remembering their little faces poking above the water. "They were so cool, weren't they?! It's a shame they couldn't time travel like Ecco, though."

"Real life does not have the same artistic license as video games, it is illogical to expect what is true in the latter to be true in the former."

"Not always!" She pokes him playfully. "Some games draw heavily from real history, or have mechanics that are pretty realistic. And even not, it's fun to imagine some of those scenarios actually happening."

He's apparently content to let the conversation drop, for he just makes a non-committal hum. Chiaki settles back into his chest and lets her gaze drift out over the water again.

 _We've made so many memories here,_ she thinks fondly. Dolphin-watching, swimming in the ship's pool, trying out different and new cuisine, he's done them all with her. Even if he's only done it for her sake, the fact that he's trying means a lot when even last year he could barely be bothered to try at all.

She jumps at the unexpected feel of cool lips pressing against the nape of her neck. "Izuru-kun?"

"We should go below deck," he murmurs against her skin. "The wind and waves are picking up in strength and frequency; it is likely we will be sailing into a storm soon."

"Huh? But the sky's completely clear…"

The Ultimate Gamer looks up and finds that there are churning gray clouds on the horizon, appearing out of nowhere like a random encounter. She puffs her cheeks out. "Aw, and it was so sunny out too…"

Izuru-kun's hand threads through her hair, idly toying with the pink strands. "There are still eight days remaining. We will have other opportunities to spend time outdoors."

"Mm, true." With a last reluctant glance at the water, Chiaki takes Izuru-kun's hand and walks away from the railing. Around them the other passengers are noticing the approaching bad weather, and are filtering across the deck towards the stairs.

"Besides," Izuru-kun adds as they too descend, just a hint of emotion in his voice, "There are far more interesting activities we can partake in alone…"

* * *

A/N: And then they played _Gala Omega_ for several hours straight XD


	5. Day 5: Co-Op

A/N: Split-personality AU, non-Despair. Izuru can't grow his hair out fast enough before Hajime cuts it, so he's got short hair here :P

* * *

 **Different Yet the Same (Co-Op)**

Chiaki first met Hinata-kun at a train station. She'd been playing her Game Girl Advance as she waited for the train, and he'd been standing next to her, and he'd glanced over and recognized the game. They'd spent the rest of the wait eagerly talking about it, continuing their discussion as they boarded. When they both exited at the same stop, Chiaki realized they attended the same high school, and the rest, as they say, was history. From then on they always met up at the train station to commute, with a natural, easy friendship blossoming.

Maybe, Chiaki privately admitted, something a bit more than friendship. At least on her end. It was embarrassing, but it felt a bit like destiny to her. Meet a cute guy who happens to share your interests, goes to the same school as you, takes the same train there, and boards at the same station? It was like something out of a video game.

Of course, every game had a plot twist. A few weeks into their friendship, Hinata-kun confessed, eyes on the floor as they walked to the train station, that he had a split personality. He seemed scared that this would cause her to reject him, so she hurried to reassure him.

"I don't think that's a problem," she hummed, smiling encouragingly at the brunet. "I mean, he's part of you, isn't he? Just a different part. So he can't be all that bad."

"No, trust me, he's a jerk." Hinata-kun deadpanned. His face became apologetic. "I probably should have told you earlier, but I like you a lot and I didn't want to scare you off. And that's usually what happens when people find out. Or else they meet him and then never want to talk to either of us again."

Chiaki had to swallow a lump in her throat at how downtrodden he looked. She quietly took his hand in hers, and he met her gaze, giving her a tight smile.

"So what happened?" she queried softly, tilting her head to one side. "I mean, what happened to make you tell me now?"

"Our medication changed again," he sighed, kicking at the dirt. "We were actually handling things pretty well before; we could even sort of schedule when one of us would be dominant at certain events. But the new one is making switching more irregular and sudden. I figured I should tell you now before you meet him and get confused why I'm suddenly calling you boring."

"I won't abandon you, Hinata-kun," she promised, squeezing his hand. "In RPGs the correct choice is always for the protagonist to put effort into his or her relationship with the party, no matter how difficult it may be."

He swallowed. "Thank you."

They stayed there for a few moments, just holding hands, before Chiaki took a deep breath and smiled. "So, why don't you tell me about him so I know what to expect? I'm sure I'll meet him soon enough…"

* * *

Indeed, it didn't take long for her to meet his other personality. Only days later, Hinata-kun arranged for them to spend the weekend at a newly-opened game arcade. Chiaki was running a little late—she didn't _think_ this was as an actual date, but just in case she'd spent a bit more time dressing nicely.

"Sorry, Hinata-kun," she panted, having run to their arranged meeting point, "It took me a bit longer than normal to get ready, I hope you weren't waiting long…"

She looked up and blinked.

Hinata-kun was generally a casual dresser, but today he was wearing a _business suit,_ of all things. His face was completely blank, and his body language was stiff, aloof. 'Do not approach', everything read. "Nanami Chiaki," he said in a flat tone. "Hajime has left me many notes explaining his relationship to you."

It clicked. "Oh! You must be…um…" What had Hinata-kun said his other personality went by? "…Kamukura Izuru, right?"

"Correct." A pause stretched out, past what was socially acceptable.

Abruptly he said, "The arcade is this way," and with that began walking away. Chiaki scrambled to follow, a bit thrown-off by his cold demeanor.

"Do you play video games, Kamukura-kun?" she tried. "If you don't we don't have to go to the arcade, I'd hate for you to feel obligated to…"

Staring straight ahead, he answered, "I play. However, they bore me."

That was disappointing. She frowned, stuck; she wasn't sure how she'd handle bonding with someone who didn't like video games. But she liked Hinata-kun, and she'd promised to try. "Is there something else you'd like to do instead, then?"

"I have no preferences as to what activities we partake in," he droned. "It's all the same to me: boring and meaningless."

Chiaki stopped walking. "Hold on."

He half-turned, an eyebrow arched.

"Are you saying there's _nothing_ you enjoy?"

"That is correct."

"That's awful!" she cried out. "Life is meant to be enjoyed. There should be things you can find happiness in!"

"Life is boring and meaningless," he corrected. "We are born, we live, and then we die. That's it."

"And it's because our time is limited that it's precious!"

They were standing at the entrance to the arcade now, and she impulsively grabbed Kamukura-kun's hand. "Come on! Maybe the reason you haven't been enjoying video games is because you're always doing them by yourself. Hinata-kun told me you don't really socialize, and…I know I have more fun when I'm with other people! So maybe you will too!"

* * *

"You're really good at this, Kamukura-kun!" she exclaimed a short time later, rapidly mashing the buttons on the machine. To her left the brunet was moving the controls much more fluidly, with a precise control that wasted absolutely no energy. Despite his apparent lack of seriousness, his character's health was actually higher than hers, something no one had ever accomplished.

With a yell his character delivered the final blow, sending hers flying. The victory theme played on his screen; on hers the words _YOU LOSE!_ flashed.

Chiaki sat back, exhilarated. There was nothing quite like having a good, long match, where you could enjoy even your loss. It had been too long since she'd experienced that feeling, and this had been the most intense rush she'd gotten while gaming in a long time.

Which made it all the sadder that Kamukura-kun couldn't enjoy it.

She peeked a glance at him. He honestly didn't seem all that bad. Okay, he definitely had a negativity problem, and he was quiet, and he was blunt to the point of rudeness when he _did_ talk. But he struck her as more anti-social than outright _mean._

"…Hey, Kamukura-kun. How about we do a co-op game next?"

His eyebrows rose marginally. "…Even though you lost, you want to keep playing?"

"Well, yeah." She smiled. "I definitely had a lot of fun that match, but I want you to have fun too. Losing doesn't matter to me so much as just spending time with you and Hinata-kun."

For the first time, he looked directly at her. He had a very intense stare, as if he were trying to eat her with his eyes. Chiaki waited for him to accept or reject as seconds trickled by, then—

"I was not planning to show up," Kamukura-kun suddenly said. "However, in his notes to me, Hajime has done a great deal of begging for my cooperation. He has been very anxious that I will say or do something that will cause you to cease relations with him. It made me curious as to who the girl who already captivates him so is."

 _He really thinks that highly of me?_ Her cheeks warmed at the notion. But it didn't look like Kamukura-kun was finished talking, so she waited.

He studied her a moment longer, then said, quieter, "I can safely say his judgment is good, for once. You are…an interesting individual. I doubt you will ever beat me, but I am not adverse to spending more time in your company."

She beamed, blush still on her face.

"Let's work together until you can lose someday, too, okay?"


	6. Day 6: Death and Sacrifice

It is an unexpected surprise to Izuru when, instead of total blackness, he sees the view through The Other's eyes. In no time he concludes that he can witness the events of the Neo World Program. A glitch in the system, perhaps? It does not matter how; what matters is that he is present, nestled back in a corner of The Other's now-dominant mind. So small to be unnoticeable, so small he can't even influence anything, but he can watch. And so he is there when The Other meets Nanami again.

Izuru had known about the gestalt AI—Future Foundation security was pathetically easy to hack for him—and he'd predicted it would take Nanami's form. There was a small chance it would have taken Yukizome Chisa's, but not much. So it is not a surprise for her to be here.

The Other likes spending time with her, which is also unsurprising. Nanami's words to him had suggested they'd known each other, been close, and that emotional attachment still exists—Izuru's tears over her death had been proof of that. But it's fortuitous—even if he can only watch, it still gives him the chance to finally spend time with her. He doesn't know how similar she is to the one he knew, he'd had such a short time and he'd only gotten to see her in times of stress...he doesn't know if this is how she'd act when she's carefree. But even if she's different, to see another version of her...

He hadn't calculated just how _happy_ it would make him.

He watches the game play out, watches her help The Other solve trial after trial, and this, this is what he's been looking for. It is interesting to try and solve murders without being in control of his body, being unable to search where he has a _hunch_ the definitive piece of evidence is. It is interesting to watch the struggle between hope and despair, finally free of outside influence or sabotage. And it is interesting to spend time with the new Nanami. He is honestly the most content he can recall being.

And then. The fifth trial happens. He figures out the truth the moment The Other holds up that little piece of tinfoil, the light catching off it. He figures out Komaeda's motive easily, because Komaeda is _boring_ and _predictable_ , and with Komaeda's luck the murderer would _of course_ be her. If he were in control of their body, his breath would have stuttered, his heart would palpitate, his body would sweat. But he is not, and the Other continues on, blissfully oblivious.

He wordlessly watches the trial progress. His mind races to try and find a way for this to end without either her or everyone else, including him, dead, and it's _not there._ And now—now her mouth is moving, laying out the trail for her doom. The Other is figuring it out and shaking his head, and his distress is so intense it's rebounding back and forth in their shared mind and shared heart, growing stronger with each pass.

Ah, this must be…the final proof. The final proof that despair is stronger than hope. Because this is the second time she's offered up her life for her classmates, and the second time she will die for it. Hope always bows before death, and thus despair.

But at that moment he doesn't care about the outcome of his game, whether hope or despair is stronger. He only cares that the gavel is falling on the button, that she is being dragged away, that _she is in danger again_ —even if she isn't the same Nanami, it doesn't _matter_ —she's _still Nanami_ —

In her execution, she runs, and she tries to escape, and she fails _._

And she dies again, wrought from existence with a falling block and an explosion.

And in his little corner of Hinata Hajime's mind, Kamukura Izuru despairs.

* * *

A/N: Don't worry, there's a part two to this.


	7. Day 7: Rebirth

**Déjà vu, Part 2 (Rebirth)**

Izuru's despair only grows stronger as the final trial progresses, because there _is no way to beat Enoshima._ The Other is going to choose to graduate, because that is logically the _only_ choice he can make—it is human instinct to preserve one's existence, and he will not choose to shut down the program knowing it will erase him, again. Izuru is going to die, and Enoshima is _going to come back,_ and _yes_ he had calculated that was a possibility, but to suddenly be faced with the reality of its inevitability, to be embroiled in despair as it happens, is a _stark_ difference from supposition.

There's a change. One minute he's looking through The Other's teary eyes, the next he's staring down at his hands. Somehow, his little corner of existence has taken physical form, a courtroom with his fingers curling claw-like around his podium's edges. He glances up; in front of him are The Other, staring wide-eyed as if being confronted with his existence for the first time, and Nanami.

"We need to help him, too," she's saying softly to The Other, whose demeanor is somehow hopeful again. The Other looks upon him with something between disgust and pity, and that—

That _irks_ him, and he finds himself compelled to tear down their hopes, bring them back to reality.

Even now Izuru does not yell, but he spits the words, cold and poisonous, laying out all the facts for The Other. They do not owe the world anything, they are only going to be betrayed and used again and again, and what's the point in continuing to fight? Despair _has won_. He doesn't know a way to beat Enoshima. He can't do anything. It's not his fault or his problem. He even turns his words on himself, self-loathing as he recounts how his talents aren't even real. He is nothing. They are nothing.

For each declaration he makes, The Other counters, statements flying like bullets from his mouth and pointed finger as he professes that none of that matters, because they can make their own future. And each one chisels another chink in his armor; Izuru's emotional state is too erratic, too distracting for him to speak efficiently. His arguments are falling apart and he can't _understand_ how The Other can believe in hope when it is the weaker of the two. He's clutching his podium so hard it is likely all that's keeping him upright. His vision is blurry.

Cool, gentle hands take his face, and he starts. Nanami has left her place by The Other's side, and is smiling at him as she cradles his wet cheeks.

"It's okay," she says kindly. "It's okay to be angry and sad. The world's been unfair to you both. And you're right, you don't owe it anything. But…don't you think you owe it to yourselves to make a future _you_ like?"

…A future _he_ likes?

…Does he like this? Does he like this feeling of despair, curdling like something dead and rotting beneath his sternum? Weighing down his shoulders and making him sick to his stomach?

No, he doesn't. But the future he'd _like_ is one he can't predict, and despair has proven itself to be that wild card—

A thought occurs to him, looking into soft pink eyes.

 _How is she here?_

She is—she is _dead._ Her avatar was deleted, her data erased. The closest thing to an explanation his harried mind can offer up is that she is an amalgamation of his and The Other's memories. And that is…something else he couldn't have predicted. Is this her hope again? But hadn't despair already won? So then how can hope still be putting up such a good fight?

And, with striking crystal clarity, Izuru realizes the answer he's been looking for is what's been in front of him all along.

 _Oh. Oh, I get it now._

It's not that hope is stronger than despair, or vice-versa—they're equals. One is meaningless without the other. And both are meaningless without emotion—you cannot hope or despair if you are not emotionally invested in anything. It's why he felt almost nothing until Nanami died. Logic and talent, those things have their places, but they are no substitutes. Possessing or pursuing only them won't make an unpredictable future, a future he wants—hasn't his entire life up until now been proof of that?

 _No, what really matters…is the bonds you make with people._

As if reading his mind, Nanami smiles brilliantly and steps back. He gazes at her, the lump in his throat making words impossible. This is the second time she's saved him, does she realize that? He has so many things he wants to say—

But somehow, he feels that she already knows.

The Other—Hinata—holds out his hand. "We can beat Enoshima," he says, clearly. "If we just try, everything will be fine. You, me, our friends…we'll all be fine even if we go through with the shutdown. I really believe that. Do you?"

Instead of responding, Izuru takes Hinata's hand, and he feels born again.

* * *

A/N: So this and the last chapter were (obviously) based off Hajime's debate against Izuru in Chapter 6. Mostly because I was wondering how someone so emotionless would actually reach the pits of despair (whereas before DR3 I thought he was emotionless _because_ he'd fallen into despair). Needless to say, writing despairing Izuru was even harder than writing emotional Izuru.

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed this! I enjoyed writing for this OTP week and I hope y'all enjoyed reading it. This fandom is great and I'm very lucky to have met such great people. All you readers, whether you reviewed or not, are awesome 3


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